Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
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This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”