Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
You Might Also Like
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
me: sorry we鈥檙e late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
It鈥檚 like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That鈥檚 not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Me, embracing the mess I鈥檝e made of my life
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN鈥橳 YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
馃ぃ
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 馃槼馃憖
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?