COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
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Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
What if the weather talks about us?
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
i’m still crying at this
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?