Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
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I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.