ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average