DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
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i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments