How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
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[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’