Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
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My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Reporter: *ports again*
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry