I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
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My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’