someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
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Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Bringing home a sharpie
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously