“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
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me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Happy thanksgiving
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.