“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
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Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Before & after 😅
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.