me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
You Might Also Like
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
me irl
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”