I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
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You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
The new Ring movie looks terrifying