If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
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The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins