If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
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Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA