That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
You Might Also Like
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.