[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Me if I was a dog
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
When life hands you women, make women laid.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]