Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
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“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.