My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
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[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap