Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
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If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I saw nothing
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.