I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
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An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.