Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
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Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.