The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
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No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I only eat vegetarians.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)