LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.