Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
You Might Also Like
Truth
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.