Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
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I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”