…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
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whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”