people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
You Might Also Like
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]