I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
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I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.