Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
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Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES