Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
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Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Does your wife know you’re single?
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.