Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
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Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.