If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
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My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced: