6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
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Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home