Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!