wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
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The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.