Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
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are there any atheist mantises?
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Erm I’m gonna say no
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.