Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you