evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
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If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no