“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
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I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Holy crap this is wonderful
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.