This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
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on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO