How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
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If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Proctology is located in A55
When you’re here for the treats.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
How dramatic are you?