My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
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I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
How wrong was this guy?
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.