Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
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He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.