The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
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If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Oh thanks BBC.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.