Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
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To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.