I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
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servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
A Short Story.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.