i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
😂😂😂