Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
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[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself